The Lord of the Flies Parody
by Vixin2
Summary: In a world where everyone's surname (but Jack Merridew's) is beeped and heard by none but Ralph. A world where Piggy is the only character with common sense. A world, where the plot is a total b-word and a world where Roger is banned from Scotland and Wales for reasons we can not legally discuss Rated T just in case for swearing and violence and possible hints of yaoi.
1. Down With the Plot!

It was the year [insert year of setting here]. And there was this mega bad-ass war going on, between America and England. It was started by George W. Bush as he had gone on vacation to London to pick up hookers- I mean on diplomatic business or some other more believable lie. Because every good comedy either has someone speaking Spanish or mocks people like George Bush. Anyway, when he had returned to his hotel room he was convinced that a toy ball he brought with him that flashed some colours after hitting the ground had been stolen by one of the maids! In reality he had thrown it out the window when he wasn't looking and after comedically bouncing off a bald man's head, dropped into a sewer where eventually it would go out into the sea.

But back to the story, the hotel staff denied that the ball was stolen. After all, it was just a stupid ball. But Bush wasn't having it and somehow defied simple logic and common sense and started a war with England, to retrieve his toy ball. Why no one questioned him or just bought him a new ball is still a mystery.

So because adults pretty much fucked them over, all school children were being put on planes and sent to countries away from England and America. With boys on one set of planes and girls in the other.

That's gender segregation for you.

The boys plane was crowded and rowdy, and stank simply because there were boys inside. When the boys just took one step inside, the passenger part of the plane just immediately became all grimy and filthy.

"Damn these planes are cramped." A fair haired boy with the good looks of an American highschool jock muttered as he sat between two unnamed boys who will never be named in this story. "You'd think there'd be more room."

"Tell me about it." Unnamed-Boy-No.1 answered. "You'd think the adults would stop being such cheapstakes."

"I wonder what the girl planes are like." The other unnamed boy wondered out loud.

Meanwhile, in the nearby girl plane...

Said girl plane had classical music playing while most of the girls were sitting at the dinning table enjoying some nicely cooked salmon and drinks of their choice. The older girls were on the top deck enjoying a private male strip show.

"It's amazing what these planes can do now a days!" A young, fair haired beauty exclaimed to a red haired next to her. "Imagine, the interior of the plane matches up to suit the passengers who sit inside!"

"I know right!" The other replied. "It's great that they're letting the girls try them out first. Only natural since we're girls and as such get better things then those silly boys!"

"If they had this cool stuff, they'd end up killing themselves!" All girls around the table began to giggle.

Back with the boys...

"Well, it's not too bad I guess." The boy sighed as he glanced to the window. "We're only on the plane for this trip before going to... Where are we going?"

"I think we're going to China." Unnamed-Boy-No.2 answered. The fair haired boy began to look pale.

"I can't go to China! My dad got my family banned from there last summer and if the government finds out I'm in their country they might cut my balls off for all I know!"

"I'm sure you're over exaggerating. What did your dad do anyway?"

"He tried to bring home three panda cubs." The boy sighed. "He wanted to start breeding them and broke into a zoo. He took the third one because he wanted to know what pandas tasted like."

"He... He wanted to eat pandas?" Unnamed-Boy-No.1 whimpered. The fair haired boy sighed as the second unnamed boy began to comfort his friend. This was going to be a long flight, for sure.

Meanwhile in the cockpit...

"And so I said to him, 'bitch I don't think so!'" The pilot told his co-pilot before both men broke into loud laughter. Despite being told not to, they had taken several sips of apple schnapps. Because they didn't want to listen to the man!

It was then though that the phone on the plane rang out and believing it was the businessman in China who had ordered a whole bunch of springs that were stored under the schoolboys seats, the co-pilot answered after putting it on loud speaker for both pilots to hear.

"Hello-hello?"

"Hi, is this the plane containing the boys Ralph (beep), Jack Merridew, Simon (beep), (beep) (beep) and Roger (beep)?" The pilot handed a clip board to the co-pilot who looked it over.

"Let's see... Ralph (beep), Jack Merridew, Simon (beep) and Roger (beep)...? Yes they're here. But I don't know who (beep) (beep) is."

"I think he would be the heaviest of the boys. Wears glasses."

"OH, you mean tubby-tubby." The co-pilot said. "Yeah they're here. You need them for something."

"Not really, I'm kinda checking this is the right plane that has the main characters."

"Main characters?"

"I need you to crash the plane."

"What?!" The pilots, while drunk, were able to understand that that was a big no-no.

"This is the plot. In order for it to even begin, the plane must crash so the boys will go to a uninhabited island where shit will go down."

"So... it'll kinda be like LOST?" The co-pilot asked.

"Fuck LOST. It was a crappy show."

"Hey, I liked that show!" The pilot snapped, getting defensive about one of his favourite shows. "The acting was good, the plots were interesting-"

"The acting was good, I ain't denying that." The plot countered. "But in reality, the show itself sucked. It tried to appeal to too many demographics, no arc was ever really wrapped up, the ending just made no sense-"

"Sometimes things are best left unknown." The co-pilot joined in. "It keeps an air of mystery and lets the viewers come to their own conclusion, thereby keeping the series alive for years to come."

"But there are too many God damn mysteries to be just left unknown! And there's no way Jin could have made it to the island in time to time jump when he jumped into the water!"

"Come on, don't you think answering every little detail would be boring?" The pilot asked.

"Funny. Boring seems to fit the description of you and your life."

"HEY!"

"You know what I think? I think you're just someone who never got or watched the show and is just saying random crap they know in an attempt to sound smarter then us!" The co-pilot snapped. Feeling the owned the plot, the pilots high-fived each other.

"You know what I think?" The plot asked calmly. "I think I see two pilots who just signed their death tickets."

The plane jolted and both the pilots suddenly looked scared.

"What was that?"

"Oh my, is that a storm outside? Oh, and where are your seat belts, and life jackets and any other thing that could keep you alive?" The plot mocked them.

"Oh, you bi-" But the pilot was silenced when for no reason whatsoever, the plane just stopped right in the middle of the sky and dropped down and for no reason whatsoever, the ship just sort of burst open, and the pressure on the springs that were under the schoolboys seats caused all the boys to just go flying out all in the same direction of a uninhabited island that was filled with beauty and wonder.

Take a mental picture because it's now pretty much screwed.

Anyway, because the canon of the book had all the boys scattered around the island, that is exactly what happened.

Except for those part of the choir. They used their cloaks as gliders and glided after their leader like a flock of crows before landing in the dense woods.

But back to the main plot, the fair haired boy looked around him in shock as he landed in the forest and shakily stood up.

"Unnamed-Boy-No.1 and 2? Unnamed-Boy-No.1 and 2?" He called out, but there was no answer. Which meant that they had either died, or just became apart of the unnamed cast that would always increase or decrease in size depending on how many was needed for any one moment.

"Oh, thank goodness! Another survivor!" The fair haired boy turned around and to his mega disappointment, saw a fat kid with glasses. Great. The first person he finds and it's the nerd. Said nerd polished his glasses before he went on.

"That was a rather unusual incident that occurred."

"Yeah. No shit."

"Well, who knows how long we'll be here so we should introduce ourselves. I'm-"

But a large cawing noise from a bird sounded over his name. The fair haired boy scrunched his eyebrows together.

"What?"

"I said it's-"

This time it was a high pitched noise.

"... What?"

"I said it's-!"

This time a oinking of a pig nearby covered the poor, little fat boy's name. The other stared at him before he simply said,

"You know what? I'm just gonna call you Piggy. Because of that pig noise just there. That and you're fat."

"Better then being a skinny bitch." Piggy scoffed. "But what's your name?"

"Ralph. Ralph (beep)."

"... Why is your surname beeped?" Piggy questioned, but Ralph just looked surprised.

"What are you on about? I clearly said my name was Ralph (beep)."

"No, I heard a beep. Right there!"

"Whatever," Ralph said as he walked around Piggy. Not wanting to touch him in case he got annoying-character-germs. Piggy grumbled and followed after the boy. He's been able to put up with bullying since he was born, so he could keep it up! ... No, seriously. The doctors that brought Piggy into this world bullied him in the baby ward.

Threw their donuts at him, the bastards!

"Hey, look what I found!" Ralph held up a pinkish coloured conch shell. "A funny looking shell!" Ralph was expecting an answer from Piggy but he got none. Looking up he saw Piggy was still way behind him. And running slower then a turtle. I mean it, there was a turtle next to him and it was much faster compared to Piggy. In it's mind the turtle yelled, 'get a move on granny!'

"Geez, how slow are you?" Ralph sneered once Piggy arrived.

The sad thing was that Piggy was actually a faster walker then runner.

"Well, SORRY! But I suffer from asthma-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar!" Ralph said automatically. "In fact, that's going to be my catchphrase when you're involved. Because I fucking said so."

"But it's a serious condition-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar!"

"I've had it since birth-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar!"

"I should have an inhaler-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar!"

"I could die!"

"... ... ...Sucks to your ass-mar!"

"Well if all you're going to do is yell, maybe you should get the others here by blowing on the conch to bring them here!" Piggy snapped. Ralph gave him a blank look though.

"Conch? What's a conch?"

"The shell in your hands! You just have to blow on it really hard while you have your hands on it, and blow like you REALLY mean it and your mind is in the gutter isn't it?"

"Hehe, yeah." Ralph laughed.

Because fellatio and blowing on the conch is a totally original joke.

Anyway, Ralph did blow on the conch. Though when it sounded out it echoed 'boobie' like the boobie horn J. D fantasized Todd using in one of the Scrubs episodes.

Immediately all the boys that survived the crash flocked to the spot like ants in a matter of seconds. Since he had the conch, Ralph began talking.

"Alright everyone. Since we're all here we should, you know, make a plan... Or something."

"WAIT! Someone approaches!" One of the boys yelled in a dramatic way in hopes that he would be named. But he wouldn't be cause he was trying too hard.

But he was right in that someone was approaching. It was the flock of choir boys, still wearing their heavy black cloaks even though the heat being absorbed into them must be slowly killing them. And they were singing 'Celebration' by Kool & The Gang.

In the lead was a red haired boy who despite not having the nicest looks in the world was loved by fangirls even though later he would be shown to be a psycho and power hungry. But that might be good since it proves that it's not all about looks, unless of course those girls are thinking of the movies based off this book but lets not get too distracted from the plot now.

Or what little plot there is.

"You there! The extremely good looking fair haired boy that girls are going to pair me with in their disturbing yet fascinating yaoi fanfiction even though I'm pretty sure I'm straight!" The lead boy yelled as he pointed to Ralph. "Where are the adults?"

"As far as I can tell, there's none."

"So we're alone."

"Yes."

"A group of young men/boys."

"Yes."

"With no sign of authority."

"Well, I guess not."

"... Well my name's Jack Merridew and I call being the leader!"

"You can't be leader, I've the conch, I summoned us!" Ralph yelled.

"How about we have an election?" Piggy suggested. "You can give the reasons why-"

"Shut it fatty." Jack dead panned. "No one gives a crap what you think. ... The elections a good idea though. I should be leader because as you can see, I've good leadership skills with my choir."

And then an adorable boy named Simon collapsed in the sand.

"Just ignore Simon, he does that a lot." Jack said like it was no big deal.

"He just faints a lot?" Piggy questioned as he gave a concerned look to the boy who had yet to move. "But, shouldn't that be concerning? What if he has some sort of medical problem? Or if-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar." Ralph interrupted. "Continue Jack."

"Thank you. As I was saying, I'm a great leader and I sing C sharp. I also have the ability for my surname to be heard without a single beep."

There were sounds of awe from the small crowd over that last part. To them that was a lot since nearly all the boys surnames on the plane had been beeped for some reason. Ralph however just looked confused.

"What beeps? What are you on about?"

"The beeps that have been playing over everyones surnames. Duh." Jack said in a sassy way.

"There aren't any beeps. Look, my name's Ralph (beep). See, no beeping."

All the boys stared at Ralph. Did he seriously not hear the beep?

"... His name's Simon (beep)" Jack said as he pointed to Simon, who was only now pulled into the shade.

"Yeah, Simon (beep)." Ralph nodded.

"... That's Roger-ROGER!"

Roger was currently holding Simon's hand while adding salt to it.

"I put the salt on it's skin, or else it won't taste as good." Roger said in a whimsical way.

"Roger! We're not cannibals in this story! Stop salting Simon's hand!" Jack scolded.

"Aw man!" Roger groaned as he stood up and walked to Jack's side. ... Standing way too close for Jack's comfort. ...Close enough to smell his hair.

"Er... His name's... Roger (beep)." Jack introduced as he discretely edged away from Roger.

"Got that. Roger (beep)." Everyone stared at Ralph with blank looks. Their choice was either a boy who's surname was not at all beeped, or a boy who did not hear the beep at all.

"I pick Ralph!"

"Ralph!"

"I go for Ralph too!"

"Me three!"

"You heard them Jack. I'm chief so suck it!" Ralph thrusted while pointing to his crotch.

"Fine." Jack sneered. "But the choir shall be mine to control alone! And we shall be the hunters and get food!"

"... Wh-why? You're a choir, what hunting experience do you have?" Ralph questioned. After all, someone has to question in a logical way in order for there to be humour in this story.

"I'm banned from Scotland and and Wales for crimes I'm not legally allowed to discuss with anyone." Roger stated. "I'm also suppose to be wearing one of those ankle monitor things, but I 'convinced' a guy to get it off me." Jack gestured to him with a, 'can you beat that, bitch?' look.

"... Okay you can be the hunters." Ralph said a little too quickly. "But first, we should make sure that this is definitely an island."

"There wasn't any sign of close by land except for this place so how can you-"

"Sucks you your ass-mar!" Piggy stared blankly at Ralph.

"... I-I didn't say anything about my-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar! Jack. Fainting Simon. You guys are coming with me. Rest of you... Just stay here and be good and listen to Piggy."

No sooner had Ralph said that had all of the younger children started screaming in joy, gobbling up some near by fruit and swimming in the ocean followed by the older kids. Some even threw off their clothes.

"Ralph, we're boys. Thinking logically and staying in order is too much for a majority of us little boys to comprehend." Simon pointed out as Jack pulled the boy up and carried him a totally manly, bridal style. "Thinking and making sense is what girls do."

"Oh... Right." Ralph had nearly forgotten that. But he cleared his throat, hoping his error would be missed and pointed towards the beach behind him.

"Let's just go." Jack simply nodded and made his way past Ralph. Ralph grinned and began to sing an off-key version of the bridal-march.

"Shut it!"

"Jack, is gonna marry, Simon. They, will have lotsa kid's-"

"I said shut it!"


	2. Down With Twerking!

Walking on the uninhabited island, the boys all talked about intellectual things. Like, philosophy. The different types of Psychology and its experiments such as the Little Albert Experiment.

"Okay, so do any of us have any actual experience or idea about what we should do?" Simon question Ralph and Jack after climbing up a steep slope.

"Don't worry. I have experience." Ralph said with a grin.

"And that is…?"

"I managed to complete Sims 3: Castaway several times without cheats with my Sims either living on the island or getting off."

"And I've watched the movie Castaway." Jack added in proudly. "All we have to do is learn math to calculate the days and tides and build a raft and paint a face on a ball and name it Wilson and we're good as gold!"

"… But how will that-"

"Wait! We don't have a ball!" Ralph pointed out with a sad look.

"Damn it! I knew I forgot something!" Jack cursed. He was mad. He didn't have his ball. His precious, precious ball. He usually kept it in his pants but he forgot it. And now he was ball-less! And yes, this is a bad attempt at a joke to suggest he literally lost his testicles.

"Hey! A rock!" Ralph pointed towards a big rock that was half over a ledge.

"Wh-what do we do?" Simon asked, slightly in awe of this awesome rock of… Of awesomeness!

"… Let's push it over! Because we're men!" Jack declared.

"Yeah!" The other two agreed.

"And men do manly things!"

"Yeah!"

"Like shoving rocks, and looking at girls for their boobies and vaginas!"

"Yeah!"

"Because we're totally not bi-curious!"

"Ye-!" Both Ralph and Simon stopped halfway to stare at Jack who now looked embarrassed and uncomfortable.

"… Let's just shove the fucking rock!" Jack cried out to recover some of his lost dignity.

"… Yeah!"

So they shoved the rock down and it tumbled and tumbled down. Totally not killing or hurting anything in its way.

_Squeek! Squeek-squek-sque-squek! _(My wife! We were only together a week!)

Oh, don't mind that. That totally wasn't an adorable, puppy eyed rabbit that would never be mentioned ever again mourning over his partner.)

Anyways! The boys kept going, and going and going until they made it up to the top of the island which gave them and eagle eyed view of everything. And confirmed that they were on a island.

"… So we're stuck on an island?" Ralph asked as he looked around.

"Pretty much." Simon confirmed.

"… Well fuck."

Since there was nothing else to do really, the boys decided to go back to the beach. But go down the cool way! They laid down on their sides and let gravity do the rest and began to roll down. Laughing and occasionally giving a sharp cry as they hit sticks and stones and spikey stuff, and occasionally something smelly.

"Wait, wait, WAIT!" Jack yelled as he stopped rolling. The others stopped and Ralph asked,

"What?"

Jack stood up and walked over to where a little pig was just there. Staring at them. They then got into a staring contest for about five minutes until the pig jumped up and bit Jack on his nose. With the boy down and screaming (And having lost the staring contest.), the little pig squealed in laughter and ran away.

"AH! SON OF A, WHORE MONKEY FUCKING ITSELF WITH ITS OWN, DICK!"

"Dude, hurry up. This is getting boring." Ralph stated before yawning. Jack grudgingly turned around to continue rolling down the slope. But not before he muttered,

"I will get my vengeance on that little pig. I'll bite him and see how he likes it!"

Back at the beach, they found something very odd.

"Okay. One more time." Roger said as he tapped the knife he pulled out of a plot hole against the palm of his hand while glaring at Piggy. The poor boy swallowed and got on his hands and knees.

"I really don't want to do this."

"Do it."

"Okay." Piggy then did the most horrific thing. So horrible and foul that it's nearly impossible to describe. He did what should not exist or be even mentioned in the dictionary. Of ANY kind.

He twerked.

"Oh, God this is humiliating!" Piggy cried as all boys laughed at him. "Why those Miley Cyrus do this?!"

"Because she's a wannabe bitch with an identity crisis who tries too hard to separate herself from Hannah Montanna." Ralph pointed out. No one noticed the look on Jack's face until it was too late. First, he walked over to Roger and gave him a super bitch slap! Then, he pulled Piggy up by his hair and punched him in the crotch.

"No on. Will ever. Twerk on this island. Not unless you want to become the closest thing to a girl here." Jack said with a deathly calm. No one responded but all nodded.

"Well, um… Since we're going to be here a while, this is what we'll do. We'll build a fire right up there." Ralph pointed up to one of the higher points of the island. "And Jack and his crew can get us food, and stuff."

"Wouldn't it be better to build a fire down here?" Piggy questioned. Because he was going to be the only person here with the closest thing to common sense. …Except maybe Simon. "I mean, it would save us a lot of time moving here and there to check on the fire. Plus shouldn't we make more then one? The more smoke there is the more likely-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar." Ralph interrupted nonchalantly. "… But then again, I think I hear what you're saying. We need to build a big ass fire that has a fifty-fifty chance of destroying the island!"

"What?! No-"

"That is genius!" Jack agreed. "Everyone! Grab those sticks and branches and bark and bring all that shit up there! … No, just the sticks little 'uns. Not the literally shit."

TIME SKIP! BECAUSE I SAID SO!

"Do you think that will work?" Ralph asked as they looked at what would soon be their signal fire. They built the bonfire up and over stocked it so it looked like a small hill of wood poking up in the trees of the forest.

"It'll work." Jack said. "We're men. Everything we build and fix is perfect!"

"That's good and all, but how are we even going to start a fire?" Piggy asked. "I mean, all we could do is try to get a spark from smashing rocks together and-"

But Jack ignored Piggy and snatched away his glasses and held it over the wood to magnify the sun's rays onto the wood.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"What do you think, Kim Kardashian? I'm starting a fire with your glasses. Like a boss!"

"… But, that wouldn't work. Those are prescription glasses so the chances of you being able to light the bonfire with them is-"

"Sucks to your ass-mar." Jack then got slapped by Ralph. "HEY!"

"Only I can say that." Ralph told Jack as he narrowed his eyes. Jack grumbled and went back to lighting the bonfire.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Piggy said as he squinted his eyes to just make out the amount of wood they used.

"Pfft. What's the worse that could happen?"

Minutes later…

"OH, GOD! FIRE!"

"IT, BUUUURRNNS!"

"PUTTING OUT FIRE WITH YOUR PISS DOESN'T WORK! IT JUST BURNS YOUR DICK!"

Later…

All the boys looked at the section of the forest that they had just burned down. All of them had blank looks on their faces.

"… Smaller fire next time?"

"You know it." Ralph agreed with Jack. "But I think our first attempt went alright. Not a real success but it definitely wasn't a failure."

"Wasn't a failure?" Piggy asked, a look of disbelief on his face. "We've just destroyed at least ten percent of this place and we've only been here a day!"

"Well look at the bright side. We've found a burnt munchkin!" Ralph said cheerfully as he went over to pick up said munchkin. Holding him up, Ralph noticed all the looks of shock and horror on the other boys faces. One of the younger ones even started crying.

"… What?"

"Ralph. That isn't a munchkin. That's mulberry mark kid." Piggy said slowly. Ralph slowly began to frown as he realised he was holding a dead body.

"Oh… Right… Um… We'll just… We'll just leave him here for the adults to take care." Ralph said as he careless dropped the body to the ground. "So… Did he play any part in the story?"

"He was supposed to spread the fear about a beast living on this island."

"Right… I see." Ralph paused to think a moment before he said out loud for all to hear.

"Alright, listen up! There's a monster on the island and if anyone asks, mulberry mark kid told you that. Not me. So if this comes back to bite us in the ass, blame him. Not me."

"What does he look like?" One of the kids questioned. Ralph paused to think before answering,

"Uh… Tall with four legs and some back up legs. Has glow in the dark teeth and a third eye that's a different colour from the other two. Ermm… And, it barfs broccoli-"

"EW! SICK!" Sam and Erik, twin boys who were never mentioned until now, squealed, both of them looking very ill and sick.

"Yeah. That's right."

There was then an awkward silence. No one knew what to do then. They were just bored. Tired. Hungry. So, they just wandered to the beach to lie down for the night.

Except Piggy. They kicked him off the beach just for the heck of it.


	3. Dancing Solves Everything!

When they had first crashed onto the island, Ralph had hoped that this would be a mega awesome adventure. But it got pretty boring pretty fast.

For one thing, building an actual shelter was an absolute nightmare. Piggy had suggested that the choir boys give up their cloaks so they could be used as coverings, and idea that even Ralph agreed with. Even after stating, "sucks to your ass-mar." The choir however, whined about how their cloaks were made by the same guy who made Superman's cloak and that they didn't want to waste them on shelter. So they had to do the next best thing and make their shelter out of some sticks and leaves.

Needless to say, they forgot what it was like to be indoors and warm at night.

Then there was the problem with food. Even after claiming he won Pig Hunter of the Year award five times in a row, Jack was absolutely useless and had yet to get even a piglet. Piggy tried to point out that they could simply fish or just stick to fruits, but Jack tried to steal Ralph's line only to get slapped by said boy.

The both of them were extremely agitated.

"So where's the damn food?" Ralph scowled as he sat in his hammock, sipping on a fruit drink Piggy made. He had to admit, coming from Piggy it was actually pretty good. He'd let him sleep away from the younger brats tonight for this.

Because he's that great a friend.

"Well I'm sorry if things are difficult?" Jack muttered. "But at least I'm doing something! You're doing jack-shit!"

"Don't be stupid." Ralph scoffed. Just then Piggy came by holding a palm leaf.

"This is the biggest one I could find."

"Get going!" Cue Piggy fanning Ralph who smiled lazily. "Man... Being chief is hard."

"You're doing nothing!" Jack roared. "Here I am trying to get some damn food for this family! What are you doing? Lazing. As. Usual!"

"Oh, yes. You're working real hard!" Ralph sneered as he got out of his hammock and dropped his drink on Piggy's feet. "Tell me? How are the shelters doing? You know, the ones we were suppose to be doing but can't because your so fussy about your damn cloaks!"

"Mine was made by Guicci, thank you very much! I'm Head Choir Boy! I NEED to be fabulous!"

"You're not even wearing it anymore!" Ralph snapped. "You all just left them in a pile over there!" Ralph pointed to said pile of choir boy cloaks which now had sand and flies around them. Jack frowned.

"I can understand the sand, but why the flies?" Ralph snorted.

"Well, stupid. Because you all just left them in a pile and haven't worn them in ages, the little kids think that's where the rubbish goes so have been dumping fish skin and fruit peelings there!" Ralph narrowed his eyes as he hissed. "And some have used it as the potty!"

"NO!" Jack shrieked. "Not my fabulous cloak! I only have ten of them back home!"

"Forget your cloak and think of the others you selfish bastard!"

Meanwhile, everyone else was watching the scene, though not entirely focusing on their words. A few younger kids whimpered and one of them looked up to Piggy.

"Are mummy and daddy getting a divorce?" Piggy stared at the kid, his mouth dropping.

"Mummy and... daddy? Er..."

"We don't know." Sam mumbled before Piggy could properly respond. He was patting his twin's back. Said twin was whimpering as the arguing got louder.

"I hate it when mummy and daddy fight!"

"So do I bro. So do I." Sam sighed.

"... And another thing! When are you going to find something we can use as string?!" Ralph went on. "We still have to wear clothes and I have to get some clothes patched up so we aren't bullock naked!"

"Then just go nude, let's ALL go nude!" Jack snapped. "I'd rather go nude and shake my fine, sexy ass in the air and show off my dick then do something as stupid as that! It's too hot for clothes for fucks sake!"

"It'll get cold at night!"

"You're over board, we'll be fine!"

"You're not a scientist, you don't know what you're saying!"

"That's it!" Jack snapped as he turned to walk back into the forest.

"Where do you think you're going!" Ralph demanded as he followed after him for one or two steps. "You just got back!"

"I'm going to work again! Better there then here!"

"You're going to see Roger again, aren't you! He's a sociopath! I don't know what you see in him!"

"HEY!" Jack yelled, fury in his eyes. "He is not a sociopath! He's my friend and-" He turned around and jumped when he noticed Roger was standing right behind him. Grinning innocently. "Um... Roger, hey."

"I made this for you~." Roger held up what looked like some sort of white flute. Ralph and Jack exchanged un-eased looks before Jack hesitantly took the instrument.

"Um... Thanks?"

"I think you would have been a way cooler leader then Ralph." Here, Roger threw a glare towards the fair haired boy who cringed a little.

"Er, great. Great. How'd you make this?" Truthfully, Jack asked that against his better judgement. But with Roger it was hard at times to have a proper conversation so he had to make some sort of little talk.

"Remember Mulberry Mark Kid?"

"Uhh..."

"I found his body and cut his rib out." Roger explained. "Then I whittled it, and ta-da!" Jack suddenly felt ill at the realization that he was holding a human rib. "I was going to cut my one out, but I didn't want to risk dying. Then I couldn't be with you! Of course, I could have used my last breath to kill you so we could be together forever but let's not get too complicated."

Jack felt ready to barf there and then. He whispered to Ralph,

"Okay, your right he's a psycho. But he's still my friend!"

"What about the Beast? There's been like, no mention of him since forever." This came from a forever unnamed boy with the 'forever alone' face.

"Well duh. I'm obviously going to kill him." Jack scoffed. "What else will I do? I'm the head hunter after all. Now lets go crew! We can practice our thang before and after we hunt!"

Yes, things truly were going to shit. But it would only get worse, and worse and you've read the book so you know what I'm on about. What's that? You HAVEN'T read 'Lord of the Flies'? Then get the fuck out of here! You won't understand anything if you haven't read the original! So get out of here and don't come back until you have proof!

Lazy illiterate.

Anyway, one week later...

"OH MY GOD! RALPH! RALPH! RA...Ralph?" Piggy tired to wake Ralph up but the boy was snoring so much the leaves came towards and blew way as breathed in and out.

"I want my ice cream to be deep fried..." Ralph mumbled in his sleep. "With lots of chocolate, and chocolate chips. Maybe some vanilla essence..." Ralph began to groan. "No Jack, don't get in. You're ruining it..." Piggy stared at him before sighing. Time to do the usual thing to wake him up. He took out a straw hat and put it on Ralph's head and used some dirt to draw a fake scar on one cheek. He then put on a female voice and said in a seductive manner.

"Oh, Captain Luffy~. Nami here. Just want to know I thought of a better way for you to pay off the money you owe me~."

"Nami?!" Ralph shot up. Had his dreams come true? Had Nami from One Piece truly come for him and him alo- Oh no, it's just Piggy. This caused Ralph to snarl as he pushed the hat off his head. "What do you want?"

"There's a ship!"

"A chance to get away from you?! Score!" Ralph shot up grinning. Finally his prayers were answered! Now all the ship had to do was... Was... Ralph slowly frowned when he began to realise something. The ship wasn't coming their way.

"That's impossible! Jack's watching the fire!"

"The same Jack who tried to pee into the fire two days ago? Who pushed one of the unnamed characters faces in to see if he could turn him into Freddy Kueger?" questioned Piggy.

"Sucks to your-" But Ralph stopped mid sentence to think over what Piggy said. It took him a while to contemplate it. But eventually the message got through.

"Oh God, Jack's watching the fire."

Ralph snatched Piggy's glasses and began to run up the mountain where the fire was. But it was there where he saw everyone except himself and Piggy. ...Because, there wasn't a mirror... Or cut out... You know what I mean. Either way, they were carrying a massive pig.

"Hey Ralphie." Jack said cheerfully. "I managed to convince ever but you and Jaba the Hut there to go hunting with me, and we managed to catch this big ass pig."

"There was a ship."

"... Oh?"

"Yes, and you know. The fire was out. The fire you were suppose to be watching."

"Yes, but we have food!" Jack gestured to the pig like they made the best decision.

"... We could have escaped. We could have escaped, and you could have run off to some pig farm and kill all the pink bastards you want." Ralph said calmly. But that calmness had a clear venom in them, and he appeared to be plotting of ways to kill from the look in his eyes.

"... Meh, no biggie. We'll wait for the next-"

"We waited five weeks for that one. Five weeks roughly a month and a week."

"... We have foo-"

"We had fruit and fish. We weren't exactly starving." Ralph still had that deathly calmness in his voice. It was starting to creep everyone out. "Jack? I am very... very... very, pissed off right now. I'm so pissed off that right now, Piggy is higher then you on the rank of people I like one this island. And that's saying a lot."

"Oh, hell no! I refuse to have that Kim Kardashian ass be more liked then me!" Jack was glaring now. Both boys stepped foreword, and pressed their foreheads together to intensify their glare.

"There's only one way to settle this." Ralph told him.

"Indeed."

Half an hour later...

"Okay, let's get this started. Winner becomes the new leader."

It was a dance off. Both boys stood across from one another as all the boys circled around him. Those for Ralph on his side and those for Jack his. Piggy was standing to the side for he would be the jukebox.

"Your move, 'buttercup'." Ralph made 'come at me bro' gesture to Jack who just snarled as he took his steps foreword.

"Let me show you how we do it. Choir Boy Style!"

Roger banged down on Piggy's head and Piggy opened his mouth to sing the song played in 'So You Think You're a Wizard' by the Hillywood Show on YouTube. Where the music came from, no one knew. But Jack did his dance. It was a combination of the dances for Gangnam Style and Gentleman (Both by Psy.) as well as what were suppose to be some sort of kitty cat moves. The choir boys cheered out of fear while Roger cried. To him, the dance was just so fucking beautiful. Ending the dance, Jack threw off his shirt because he felt it would win him points.

"Beat that?" Jack asked, feeling smug as surely NO ONE could beat his amazing skills!

Those million dollar dance lessons were worth it!

"Pfft. Let me show you how it's done." Ralph took his step foreword and nodded to Piggy. The boy began to sing 'The Real Sugar Baby' while Ralph did his thing. It was definitely something! He was doing spins, kicks, leaps, splits, backflips, front flips, spinning on his head, defying gravity and one or two occasions he caught on fire but he didn't stop dancing. No, he kept going on finally, the fire burned off his clothes leaving him naked. He smirked as everyone cheered on. Jack looking a mixture of shock, awe and annoyance.

"You just got served."


End file.
